Thinking about your mental health but not talking about it? You’re not alone.
Every year, 1 in 5 American adults experience a mental illness. And when it comes to mind health, men face a dangerous combination: (1) Mental health issues are often overlooked in men; (2) compared to women, men are more likely to turn to unhealthy behaviors, such as drug and alcohol misuse; and (3) men are just not as inclined to seek psychological help.
So what’s a guy to do?
There’s no secret regimen for quickly building a healthy mind—but you can take steps toward prioritizing your mental health. Here are some pointers on how to take care of your emotional well-being so you can stop “just powering through.”
The barriers between men and healthy minds
Would you tell a man with prostate cancer to “just power through it”? Probably not. Sure, he could try ignoring the symptoms for a while—for months, even. But the symptoms will likely spread and get much worse, and in the end, he’ll still need a specific treatment or he won’t get better.
So why, when something’s amiss with a man’s thoughts, emotions, or behaviors, would others encourage him to keep quiet and figure it out himself? Just like a cancer, these problems will only fester if they aren’t addressed in the right way—and eventually, they can take him down.
Given the reluctance to take action when mental health problems arise, it’s not surprising that suicide is the #2 killer of young men in America. Let’s look at a few of the attitudes that have come from society encouraging men to stay silent about their mental health.
“People will think I’m weak or lazy”
Men tend to view mind health issues as an inability to deal with distress. Fear of being labeled “unmanly,” “mentally ill,” or something worse, can cause men to lose their motivation to seek help. And when seeking help seems out of the question, men are forced to tell themselves “get a grip . . . just figure this out on your own . . . you don’t need help.”
“I won’t be a real man”
Research suggests that men hesitate to seek help for depression because it does not align with being strong, successful, and in control. And many people link talking about emotions to being feminine. As a result, men feel they need to avoid certain behaviors to save face. This is an example of how stigma from society becomes self-stigma.
“I’ll let down my family”
The pressure men feel to support their family and not muddy that mission with mental health problems leads men to ignore their own needs, put on a brave face, and carry on. If they do acknowledge there’s a problem, they tend to downplay it and say it’s just temporary. The result is never getting the support they need to really address the issue.
“So many people have it worse than I do”
Dr. Gareth Griffith explains in his TEDx talk that when people experience hardship, they tend to zoom out their perspective and say “there are people out there starving, suffering, and dying—my problems are so small.” And while perspective can be a good thing, you shouldn’t let those thoughts invalidate your feelings. He poses this way of thinking about it: Saying “I don’t have a right to feel bad because someone else has it worse” is equal to saying “I don’t have a right to feel good because someone else has it better.”
The buildup to a crisis—and how to avoid one
The sum of all these attitudes, beliefs, and self-stigmatization about mental health leads to inaction. Eventually, this inaction can lead to serious emotional distress. But there are steps you can take to acknowledge your struggles in a healthy way so you can avoid reaching a crisis situation.
Steps for building a healthy mind
1. Understand that you’re in good company
It may not seem like mental health issues are very common—but in reality, they’re all around us. While most people don’t want to speak up about it, there is a positive trend of men (and women) stepping forward to say that they are facing the problems going on in their minds.
When someone who seems to have it all admits that ignoring their mental health was a mistake, and that talking about it took a weight off their shoulders, it can make it easier for others to take that first step toward prioritizing a healthy mind.
Just look at entertainers Pete Davidson, Wayne Brady, and Kid Cudi; sports figures Oscar de la Hoya, Brandon Marshall, Kevin Love, and Michael Phelps; and actors Chris Evans, Dwayne Johnson, and Ryan Reynolds. That’s just a small sampling of the stars who have talked openly about their mental health struggles.
Take some time to read their stories. If these men who live under a social microscope can talk about their depression, panic attacks, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, addiction, and suicidal ideation—you can do it, too.
If you’re more interested in reading about regular people like you, check out this article by The Mighty that links to 10 men’s personal mental health stories. Choose a few that resonate with you and see how they took action to build a healthier mind for themselves.
While you’re at it, seek out other resources and information available. Once you start to look around, it can be eye-opening how many people out there are focused on changing the way men view mind health for the better:
- Heads Up Guys offers lots of resources, including a Self Care Toolkit
- On YouTube, check out the Young Blood – Men’s Mental Health channel
- On Spotify, listen to Men’s Mental Health Show
- If you’re into podcasts, try The Mental Illness Happiness Hour—it’s for anyone interested in or affected by mental health challenges
2. Turn stigma into strength
Dr. Margaret Rutherford coined the term “perfectly hidden depression.” She was describing people who are struggling inside but are able to mask their pain and act as though nothing is wrong. As a result, the people who care for them have no idea how they are really feeling inside.
But this need to hide how we’re really doing is rooted in stigma, not strength.
Talking about mental health should be seen as a personal strength, not a weakness. Struggling internally with a mental illness such as depression can make you feel powerless—but men who have gone through recovery describe the process as a “heroic struggle” and say they came out the other side feeling much stronger.
3. Get the mind health conversation started
Once you accept that it’s okay to have chinks in your mental health armor, then you can start talking about it. It’s the single best way to flip mental health stigma on its head and turn it into a strength.
So, how do you know when you’ve found someone you can confide in about such personal issues? It will be someone you trust and respect—and who also trusts and respects you. They won’t judge or criticize you when you make mistakes. And most importantly, they’ll listen to your perspective.
If you dread talking about your feelings, then try thinking of it this way:
Don’t just talk about your mental health for yourself, do it for the other person—it may turn out they really need these conversations. As Dan Bernstein, founder of the Mental Health Safe Project, says: “Everyone has a story when it comes to mental health.”
If 1-on-1 interactions are not your cup of tea, find a social group to connect with, like a sports league, religious group, or virtual reality gaming group. Joining a group that makes you feel valued can have a positive impact on your life. And research shows that men-only groups can encourage guys to talk about their anxieties.
You can also find a peer support group or organization where you feel comfortable sharing what you’re going through. The benefit of joining such a group is instant access to people who are going through something similar. Here are a few options to get you started:
- The ManKind Project can help you find a men’s group—virtual or in person—in your local area.
- Kings Corner is a virtual group for men of color that covers a different mind health topic each week.
- The organization 1 in 6 hosts chat-based support group meetings for men who were sexually abused or assaulted.
4. Practice everyday ways to prioritize your mind’s well-being
Start with your basic needs. How are you sleeping, eating, exercising, and connecting with others? For example, you might benefit from staying away from negative influences on social media and focusing on posts and videos that improve your life in some way.
Dedicate time each day to do something that makes you feel calm, alleviates stress, or simply makes you happy—whether it’s meditation, journaling, gaming, cooking, woodworking, indulging in some self-care, or walking your dog.
Evaluate your self-compassion. Are you hard on yourself when you feel you’ve failed at something, or do you cut yourself some slack? Research shows that having compassion for yourself is linked to increased well-being and decreased loneliness. You can complete a quick self-test at self-compassion.org, and they also offer exercises and tips for improving your self-compassion.
Learn how to express yourself. This step will take time, so be patient. Getting comfortable talking about mental health won’t happen overnight, but when you talk about the things that are bothering you, it can help you feel understood, connected, and less lonely, which ultimately can lower the distress you’re feeling and improve your psychological well-being. Two important things to remember are to be honest and don’t downplay your feelings.
5. If you need more help, find a counselor or therapist
How do you know when it’s time to seek professional help? The National Institute of Mental Health offers this guidance: If you’re having some trouble sleeping or if you’re feeling down but you’re still able to do your job, schoolwork, or housework—and you’re still able to take care of yourself and others—then self-care ideas like the ones mentioned in this blog article may be able to help you feel good again. However, if your symptoms last longer than 2 weeks, read on.
Who can I call in a crisis?
If you’re in distress and you need help right away, there are 3 ways you can connect with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline to talk to a trained crisis counselor:
– Dial 988
– Send a text to 988
– Start an online chat
If you’re experiencing any of the following symptoms for longer than 2 weeks, you should consider getting help from a mental health professional:
- Trouble sleeping or trouble getting out of bed in the morning
- Trouble concentrating or performing usual daily tasks
- Loss of interest in things you normally enjoy
- Appetite changes that lead to weight loss or weight gain
- Thoughts of death or self-harm
If you’re unsure about how serious your symptoms are, there are online tools that can help you evaluate yourself:
- Man Therapy’s 18-Point Head Inspection gives insights into your own potential symptoms
- Mental Health America also offers several online screening tools that can help you gauge whether you are experiencing symptoms of specific mental health conditions
If you decide that counseling with a therapist might be a good option for you, one of the easiest ways to access care is through tele-counseling, that is, online telehealth counseling with a mental health professional. Telehealth counseling has proven its worth time and again for decades, and men in particular have been benefiting from online mental health interventions when dealing with symptoms of depression.
Research has found that after using mental health services, many men . . .
– Stop striving for perfection in work and life
– Develop positive coping strategies
– Increase their own personal awareness
– Gain a new perspective on their situation
6. Help others talk about their mental health
Mental health can be tough to talk about. It’s a touchy subject for many, so the words you choose are important. Here are 3 things to avoid when talking with someone else about their mental health:
- Avoid saying “I know what you’re going through.” This phrase may sound empathetic and comforting, but everyone’s experiences are unique—so even if you’ve had something similar happen in your life, it can still be very different from what they’re going through.
- Don’t tell someone what’s best for them. Suggesting resources can be helpful, and the desire to help someone find a solution shows that you’re supportive—but when you cross the line into telling someone what they need, you can make the other person feel disempowered.
- Try not to judge experiences or feelings—instead, keep an open mind. Criticizing will only contribute to the stigma surrounding mental health and may discourage the other person from opening up.
And here are some tips on what you should do:
- Most importantly, listen. Use body language to show the other person you are listening, and use words that convey you’re following what they’re saying
- Ask open-ended questions, particularly questions that help you better understand the other person’s feelings and actions
- Validate the other person’s perspective
Movember has a helpful online tool that walks you through a practice conversation with someone who might be struggling with a mental health issue.
Interested in talking to an online mental health professional?
QuickMD offers 30-minute telehealth counseling sessions at a low cost. There are no hidden fees, and you can have as few or as many sessions as you like. Contact QuickMD today to get the conversation started with a licensed counselor.
